Jun. 10th, 2013

ironbite: (Sweetness)
Posting here.

Yeah been a loooooooooooooooooong time. Why? Because I have other outlets. But today I realized a very important fact about myself.

I don't matter.

And before you go, "oh that's not true Ironbite," when was the last time anyone actually talked to me? I mean really talked to me. The answer, painful as it is to admit, is ages. Nobody talks to me. Nobody tries to see what's behind the mask I present to the world. Nobody goes "So how was your day" outside of my parents. Why?

Because I don't matter.

I'm a support network for other people. An ear to listen to other people's problems. A mouth to say things to make sure other people feel better. But the second I try to utter a peep that things aren't ok with myself? I get nothing. Why?

Because I don't matter at all.

I really don't. I tried, I really did try, to get somebody to notice that I wasn't ok on twitter this morning. Of the 100-odd real people who follow me...2 people said something in response. And it wasn't, "are you ok man?" or anything. Just platitudes. And I've found myself locked in my own head wondering why. I can only come to one conclusion.

I don't matter.

Why don't I matter? Why is it that every time I try to figure out if I'm worth keeping around I always come to the same god damn conclusion? Why is it that I can't ever get anyone to notice that hey, something might be wrong with my brain? Am I depressed? Do I, like millions of other people suffer from depression? Probably. But I've been handling myself so well since the big break up. But have I? I ask myself that a lot. And then I try to reach out to other people and I see...nothing. Why is that?

Because I don't matter.

Nothing I can do can matter because I don't matter. I'm nothing. Not even a reflection anymore. Just something that throttles down misery and loneliness into a compact little ball until....this happens. I just want to matter to somebody. I really do. Is that something that I just can't be? Can I matter to someone? I don't think so. I really don't. I'm going to predict this gets nothing, absolutely nothing because that's how it is. I don't matter. I really don't. The only one I matter to is my cat and even then I'm easily replaced in her mind. I just want someone to hear me for once in my life. But I know nobody else will hear me. Because I don't matter. And nothing's going to change that fact. Not the most helpful doctors, not the latest meds, nothing. I don't matter and why I die, I'll be alone. Unmourned by everyone save family.

Because I don't...matter.

June 2013

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